Marriage 2 - Why do you hesitate? ...

Wednesday, April 30, 2010. With the network of our friends, colleagues and neighbors we share a broad range of experiences with marriage and with non-marriage. Some people marry very late, at the age of 30 or 35, but then develop a very happy relationship for many years. Others marry very early, with 20 or 22. Some of these marriages last a lifetime. Others are over after some years. But there is another type of experience …

Why do you hesitate?

Some of our friends or family do not find a partner. Or they have a partner, but do not marry and then, suddenly, break up. Or they have changing short-term partners, for some weeks only. What is behind these things? Why do we act as we do?

A particular case comes to my mind: a young woman and a young man. Everything seemed to be quite right, they fit together. They spend some time together in a foreign country. They come back … and after half a year break up. What happened? Is he not the right person … suddenly she realizes? Is she not the woman to marry? After years of living together suddenly couples split.

There is another example: she does not marry. Somehow she always hesitates to confirm some particular relationship. It is nice as long as it is in the starting phase. But the dedication and commitment of a marriage or even a long-term partnership seems to be too threatening for her or for him … Why do you hesitate to go into a commitment?

Between choice and commitment

Today we have high expectations on partnership. We want to be happy. We want to have our own life as well. We want a career. We sometimes also want children and a family. Everything together. Everything seems to be good and is good. But it is difficult to realize all this at the same time. And we know this. We see and experience the difficulties as soon as we start a relationship.

We have to realize, that clear commitment limits our choice. If I say yes to one person, in the way that I say I will be trustworthy, truthful and will have one partner only, then I limit my options to have other partners at the same time or other partners at all. You cannot have continuing choice and make the choice and stick to it at the same time. Choice is only at one point, then the choice is done and commitment is active, choice is dead.

But there are many choices within the commitment. We need to learn that commitment is a fantastic living environment. It is a whole world by its own, with many possibilities of development, with many experiences to come and to gain. Commitment is the door into the world of love and trust. Without commitment at some point, there is no love and no future! Life needs a form, it cannot change its shape completely all the time. Only dead things have no structure, they are characterized by decay. We need to make choices and then work them out - fully committed and with mature tingly love! ... more texts