Keep your distance! ...

Friday, Nov 8, 2013. When my behaviour is discussed, how do I stay calm? Do I want to stay calm at all? Or am I strongly involved, and strongly upset since people criticise me? Am I hurt, when I am criticised?

How things do NOT work usually …

Honestly, sometimes when I am criticised I am very upset. Usually, criticism does not take place in an empty environment, but there are conflicts, there are problems, there is pressure around. And then people start to criticise each other.

Usually, criticism does NOT take in a calm environment, where we are sitting in a nice scenery looking at the sea from some terrace with a coffee or tea in front of us. Usually, the person criticising us is NOT starting with “let us consider a little the different areas, what was very good, and what was less good.” Usually, this is NOT how it works in everyday life!

Usually, criticism takes place in a heated debate. Only when several people are upset, they let the walls down, which are often used to hide thoughts and criticism. We are not open and we are not free, when it comes to the things we do not like and which burden us. Too often I have heard the sentence: this is my opinion, but I cannot say it, it would hurt people and lead to many disadvantages for me, if I would say it. And yes, criticism can destroy relationships, and that can be very unfortunate!!

How to stay calm? …

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How do you react when you are criticised? Too many of us react with counter attack when we are criticised. Often, we first build a defense layer. And then, when people start to argue, we fight back with all we have. Too often, the fight then escalates and strong words and statements will find their way into the debate. Criticism leads to a personal fight, which reaches the layer of the relationship and destroys a lot. But things can go differently, and we can do a lot to lead things.

I find it helpful, to consider myself as a kind of project, when it comes to criticism. When I am my project, then I can step aside and consider myself with some distance. I can step out of myself and stay calm - at least much calmer than without this viewpoint. I want to do my projects as good as possible. I want to carry them out successfully. With this attitude, it is helpful if people tell me their opinion about the project. I can listen, get ideas what could be improved and how - and then make up my own opinion of what I actually do and carry out.

Keeping some distance is difficult! I have seen people who had the distance, but as a consequence it was difficult to reach them with any criticism. But we want to have both: we want to stay calm, but we also want to be reachable for others. It is possible, when we take up a critical attitude towards ourselves, when we make criticism an excercise for us every day. When we search for the best day by day, we will be open for others to take part in it. And we will stay calm! (Roland Potthast) ... more texts